School-Talk Etiquette

January 6, 2012 By 6 Comments

mommy blogsHave you ever been in one of those awkward conversations where you realize you and your friend have divergent views? I have. Especially now that I’m a mom. Moms can be pretty passionate about their parenting choices.

Schooling is an especially hot topic. I’ve seen my fair share of carnage from school conversations. I’ve had my feelings hurt. And probably been the hurter of feelings.

So, what can we do? I’m writing about it over at The Better Mom today. I’d love it if you’d follow me over and even chime in on your perspectives!

Filed Under: Children, Family, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Have Posts, Will Travel

November 11, 2011 By 1 Comment

mommy blogsI’ve had a lot of fun lately writing at other sites. When I became a contributing writer at The Better Mom this summer, I was pretty excited. Of course, I was honored to be chosen to be a part of that beautiful team of writers. It feels good to have someone else affirm something you love doing; ya’ know? And, I’ve always loved being a part of something bigger than myself. The Better Mom has certainly become that! Way bigger.

(BTW, did you see my latest Better Mom post on being stressed out by Mommy Blogs? I forgot to link you to it that day. Sorry. Life has been a little nutso for me lately. Here. Go read it for yourself!)

In many ways, it was just as I anticipated. It has stretched me and given me new writing opportunities. I’m learning a ton. And enjoying the new venue.

What I didn’t expect was how much fun it would be to partner with other women who love to learn and write. I mean, seriously fun! I have a friend in Ireland now. How cool is that? Ireland! And I reconnected with an old college friend. Plus a whole host of other new friends who help me grow – both as a woman and as a blogger.

We’re a diverse bunch in some ways. Scattered here and there. Various season of life. Bringing our unique life stories to the site. I don’t even always agree with their posts. But, I do find myself enjoying their hearts and wondering if we’ll ever get to meet face to face. It really has been an unexpected blessing.

tips & advice for new momsJust this morning I wrote this post for my new friend Christy. One of her dear friends just had her first child so Christy started a Thursday series called Baby Days to help prepare her friend for motherhood. I know… fun idea, right? See what I mean? It’s like a blogosphere haven for all those “I wish I would have known THAT before I had kids” moments that every mom has.

Anyway, if you have a sec, you can follow me over to Christy’s blog, One Fun Mom and see what I have to say about bringing your strengths into your mothering. I’d love to have you join me there. And, thanks to Christy for including me in the fun!

Filed Under: Creativity, Writing & Blogging Tagged With: , , ,

Mapping Summer

June 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

This week brought the official start of summer. The kids have already been out for two weeks. But Tuesday made it official!

The kids and I finally made some headway with our summer planning. It’s been fun to dream a bit about how we want to fill our blank slate!

This is a process that is best done together – so that the kids own the summer too. This doesn’t mean that you abdicate and let them call the shots. We start with a few parameters that I have set. As the parents, Rick and I get to craft our overall goals for the summer. The kids simply don’t have the perspective or maturity to see the big picture yet. From their perspective, having fun would always trump everything else. You and I both know there are other worthy goals for the summer months – things they might not even like very much. {wink}

These goals are not details or specifics. They are the big picture stuff. For instance, one of our goals is making sure we keep using our brains all summer. Just because they’re not in school, doesn’t mean they stop growing intellectually. Notice, my goal doesn’t say howwe’re going to accomplish that growth. The how comes later.

When I’m thinking through our summer goals, I try to think through some of the various aspects of life: relational, physical, intellectual, and spiritual. Some goals might overlap various areas. For instance, another summer goal for us is to get outside into nature several times a week. If we choose to go on a scavenger hunt in a metro park with friends, that could be physical, relational, and intellectual.

(Confession: not all of my goals are so lofty. I have one goal just to get more “slugbugs” than my son. He always sees them first. Stinker.)

Once we’ve decided on our goals, we move to making lists.

  • Fun lists. A summer soundtrack. Things we don’t want to miss this summer. Fairs or festivals to attend. Friends we hope to hang out with. Treats to make or try. Outdoor adventures to pursue.
  • Growth lists. Books to read. Journal topics for writing. Ways to help the kids practice math. Spiritual growth ideas. Challenges to undertake.
  • Chore lists. For me AND the kids. (Lest you think Rick gets off with no chores, don’t be fooled. I affectionately refer to Rick as Ultra Type-A Man so he doesn’t need our help with lists. He gets plenty done. Believe me, he has his own list. In fact, I’m pretty sure his list has a list.)

Then, after we finish our lists we start putting some things in the calendar. You’d be amazed at how fast the summer fills up. We have 10 weeks left.

The purpose of all this planning is simply to help us do the things we really want to do. Not to bog us down or tie us to our calendar. But, to help us really seize the things we want to and not just get stuck in a rut.

What about you? Have you made any progress with a summer plan?

The danger, of course, is to get so caught up in the planning that you miss summer. Wouldn’t that be a horrible irony?!?!  The other pitfall could be putting too much pressure on your goals. There are no perfect parents out there. What if the kids don’t actually read as much as you had hoped? I mean, truth be told, almost nothing has gone the way that I planned this summer. It’s just my reality so far this year. (I have a theory that as soon as you decide to write about something, it never actually works out that way. But, I digress…)

And, please, no comparing your family to other families. Yeesh. That will just kill your summer.

But, then again, input from other people can be helpful – as long as you’re not trying to live up to some crazy self-imposed standard. Here are a few resources that I have found helpful. Really there are tons out there. Especially now with the so many excellent mom blogs out there. Don’t get sucked into spending too much time here. But, have fun poking around…

Do you have any you would add to the list? What resources do you use to help you plan for summer?

Filed Under: Children, Family, Life, Randomness Tagged With: , , ,

Summer Un-plans?

June 15, 2011 By 4 Comments

Unexpected deadlines, vacation bible school practices, first week of summer extras, vacation preparations. Isn’t that just life?!? The very week I anticipate planning and even writing about planning, my plans become…well, pretty much they become “unplans.”

 
It all started off so beautifully. On Monday, I finished a project for work in the early hours. Then we loaded up and went to the library where we got signed-up for summer reading. A quick stop for slushies and then on to letterboxing, where we discovered a perfectly wonderful park in Stow that we had driven by a million times and never noticed. The results were in… and, summer break was off to a great start!

By Wednesday, I was a stressed-out mess because the house was in chaos, a new project at work needed my attention, I still hadn’t gotten the kids to the lake, and I had just realized that I had forgotten to drop off Rick’s suit at the dry cleaners. (The suit was a just a minor issue. It’s not like he was officiating a wedding for a dear a friend on Friday. No, of course not.) Sigh.

Feeling like a failure as I watched week one of 12 slip away, I definitely needed to regroup.

How? I needed to remind myself of a few things…
 

First, life isn’t about perfect days. When the laundry piles high and the sunscreen is expired and I forget an important task until the last minute… my inward attitude is just as important even more essential than getting actual work done. Let’s face it. Perfect days come few and far between. Most days are just normal days – a mix of moments that are both good and bad. My attitude in the midst of all those moments is what can make or break the summer. And, since Mom tends to be the tone-setter for the rest of the household, my outlook has a pretty big impact on everybody else’s summer too.

 

Second, I need to get to back having a plan. Not a strict second-by-second itinerary. After all, it is summer! But I still need a way to make sure I’m juggling work, family fun, personal growth (for the kids too), and household jobs. Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean everything else is on hold! I mean, I can have a really great attitude about it all but it just would not be best for the pastor to show up in his boxers on wedding day. {smile}

Third, lists and the calendar are my friends. I need them for summer success. So, this weekend the planning began in earnest. I started with some questions and worked toward specifics. But, more on that tomorrow. There are some good tools to help with your summer success and I’d love to share them with you.

Oh, and by the way, Rick’s suit was ready in time. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I picked it back up on Friday. A really big sigh. Huge, in fact.

How about you? How was your first week of summer?

Filed Under: Family, Letterboxing, Life, Randomness Tagged With: , , ,

Summer: Will You Survive or Thrive?

June 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Well, it’s finally here. After a very long winter and a nearly sunless spring, summer has officially come to my little town. How do I know this? Maybe because the farmer’s market started back up a few weeks ago? Or because the students are gone, making the line at Starbucks way shorter and the streets much quieter? Or because I finally painted my toenails? Well, those things are all true.
But the way I really know it is summer is because my kids are home again! All day, every day. (That, and my freezer is full of flavored sugar water Flavor Ice again.)

For most moms, having the kids home for summer surfaces all kinds of different emotions. Relief that we don’t have to pack another lunch until August! Delight that we get to be with our little people more often. Excitement and anticipation for all the “summer things” that we do as a family: slower mornings, bonfires at dusk, days at the lake, letterboxing adventures, cousin sleepovers, walks to Katie’s Korner for homemade ice cream, grilling out with friends, and the list goes on. Your list might be different than mine but I’m sure you have one… and I’m guessing it involves some combination of sunshine, being outside, and time together.

But, let’s be honest. Summer also feels a little overwhelming. It’s a blank slate. Twelve weeks of freedom. How will we seize those 12 weeks? How will we find that right mix of structured planning and laidback playing? Finding that balance will probably take some intentional thought from Mom. It certainly won’t just “happen.” Nothing good ever does.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to just survive the summer. I want us to thrive this summer.  It’s the only one I’ve got when my kids will be 12 and 9. The last summer before the man-child enters middle school. I want to seize every moment with them. Even the unplanned ones where all four of us dance around the living room, laughing until we can’t stand up. 

But, how? How to make sure the summer doesn’t just slip by in the blink of an eye? That’s the question I’ll be pondering this week. Won’t you join me? Could we map out summer together? Because I’m betting you have some good thoughts too.

Next up: Having a Plan!

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After Easter: A Letter to My Kiddos

April 27, 2011 By 1 Comment

Dear Kiddos of Mine,

I see you there as we open the eggs and recount The Story. I hear you as you expound on the details.

You know so much of it already. About the donkey and how Jesus came humble even though He could have come conquering. About the Passover and His last supper with His friends. About Judas’ 30 pieces of silver and Jesus’ agonizing prayer in the garden. About the middle of the night trials and the trumped up charges against an innocent man. And the mocking and the beatings He endured. You even know how many lashes it will take to kill a man and how Jesus took just one less.

You tell of how they crucified Him and how He died there, forsaken and alone. About how the sky got dark and the curtain tore. How they pierced His side to make sure He was dead. You know all about the borrowed tomb and the stone rolled in front of it.

And the last egg is empty. You know why, don’t you? Yes. Of course. You can tell us and you do. It’s empty because the tomb is empty. He is risen.

You know these historical events inside and out. And I love that. I have no regrets about teaching it to you from your earliest days. About reading to you from the Bible before you could even sit up. What mother would withhold her most precious possession from her own children? My greatest treasure I pass on to you.

But, there are these three things I pray as yet another Easter passes. The lamb has been eaten save a few leftovers. The Easter finery needs laundered. The tulips are wilting. Your baskets are a little less weighty. *smile* And it’s time for me to put away the eggs.

As I do, I ask God for three things… 

  1. I pray that it will always be a story like no other. It’s not a myth or an interesting piece of literature. To be shelved with all the other fantastical tales every told. It’s not even like anything in any of the other world religions. I know it sounds crazy at times. Really. God taking on flesh, coming as a baby, living just 33 years and being brutally executed to pay the penalty for our sin. And then rising from the dead? It’s nuts. I get that. But it’s true.
  2. I pray that you’ll never lose the wonder of it. They say that familiarity breeds contempt. I think there can be some truth to that. Sometimes we know something so well that we’re no longer shocked by it. Or we forget to see it with fresh eyes and enjoy its beauty. I pray that the Gospel will never seem “ho hum.” But that it will always stir wonder and awe in your hearts. Even though you’ve been hearing about Jesus since you were babes.
  3. And lastly, I pray that it won’t just be a holiday that you celebrate once a year. Be transformed, Caleb & Madison. By Him. Let Jesus’ sacrifice and victory change the way you think and act. Everyday. We don’t celebrate Easter because our religion dictates it. We’re really not that into religion. We celebrate Easter because it reminds us of the greatest day in history. We celebrate Easter because Jesus’ death and resurrection changed EVERYTHING.

I’ll be honest, kiddos. This Easter was a little different for me than any other. You’re getting older and I watch you taking it in. Contemplating the whole thing. In ways you didn’t before. With some hints of greater maturity and thoughtfulness. And I know that you’ll have to make your own decision about Easter someday. As you grow, you’ll either accept it or reject it. Accept Him or reject Him.  

I just want you know that I see you. And that I’m praying for you…

Filed Under: Celebrations, Children, Faith, Family, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

Lego Lessons

September 15, 2010 By 4 Comments

He stood there longingly. Just a few dollars more and he would have enough for the Lego Star Wars ship that he’d been wanting. This week Target had them on a special display AND they were on sale. It was more than any 11-year-old boy should have to endure!

“Mom, could I just borrow a few dollars?” he pleaded. “I’ll pay you back when I get paid in a few days.” The angst in his voice, the pity on that face. It was hard to say “No, Buddy. Can’t do it.”

So many lessons in that one moment. So many little choices that are shaping him into a man who will steward money well. As parents, we so want to give to our kids, don’t we?  So much so, that it’s hard to keep those bigger truths in mind. I enjoy giving fun stuff to my kids.

But there ARE bigger issues at stake. Maybe, just maybe, we actually give them more when we remember those issues. Here are a few that came to mind for me as I stood in the aisle and comtemplated ruining Caleb’s day with my “no”:

  • Instant gratification isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There is great personal satisfaction in saving for something and taking the time to discern if that’s what you really want/need. Sometimes in the process of saving for something, our kids discover that they really don’t even want it anymore.  
  • Debt is a trap. In a culture where credit is the norm and adults just borrow to remodel the basement or buy the new boat that we want, it’s hard to help our kids be free of this one. In truth, debt makes us slaves and limits our ability to make financial or job changes that might actually be better for us qualitatively.
  • You shouldn’t bank on money that you haven’t earned yet. Caleb was assuming he’d have enough at the end of the week based on chores he hadn’t done yet. What if something came up and he couldn’t do those chores? What if he dropped the ball and just didn’t get them done? He wouldn’t have that money to spend afterall and then he’d really be behind the proverbial eight-ball.
  • Hard work produces good reward. The ability to work and contribute to something bigger than yourself (in this case, our household) is a gift from God. Getting compensated for that hard work is a worthy incentive. It helps fight our tendency toward laziness and wanting someone else to take care of everything for us. Discipline and tenacity are qualities we want to cultivate in our  kids. Those don’t just happen when everything is easy.
  • We need to factor saving and giving into the money that we earn. Caleb has the potential to earn half his age – if he does all of his chores well and on time, he can earn $5.50/week. Caleb was thinking about the full $5.50 as money he could put toward his purchase. He was forgetting that we take 10% of his earnings for saving and another 10% to give back to the Lord.

Caleb didn’t really want to hear all of those great reasons when he was standing in Target looking at the Legos. Truth be told, I don’t always want to hear them either. The lies are all around us. “You deserve this.” “You will be happier if you go on this vacation or have this new gadget.” “Why should your neighbor drive a nicer car than you?”  It just seems to be the American way.

Well, I want to teach my kids a different way.

I don’t want them saddled with debt. I don’t want them to buy into the lie that a new Lego set will somehow fill a hole in their lives or make them exponentially happier. I don’t want financial gain to keep them from doing something risky with their lives like adopting an orphan or serving the neediest in a far off land in the name of Christ. If telling Caleb “no” to the borrowing will help that even a little bit, then I’ll do it. Even when I feel like I’m being a Big Meanie in the process.

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A disclaimer and a resource: I know there are lots of different perspectives on whether or not to pay kids for household chores. Respected leaders have said that they shouldn’t get paid for contributing to the normal household functioning and advocate only paying for unusual jobs. These philosophies encourage allowance and money management as a completely separate issue. I can respect that. Afterall, I don’t get paid for the myriad of things I do on the homefront. However, we have chosen to tie the two together. We want our kids to catch the idea that reward comes as a result of hard work. And that their reward is directly tied to their work ethic. If they skip a chore, they get paid less. In many ways, it’s up to them to earn their full potential.  No system is perfect but this is our approach.

I’ve included a link to a sample of the chart we use to help them remember not only their chores but a few other things like goals and daily activities that are necessary but not monetarily related. If it can help you and your family, great. A few friends have asked to see it so there you go – I originally created it in MS Excel.

Filed Under: Children, Family, Life, Parenting, Randomness Tagged With: , , ,

Just Because…

April 29, 2010 By 1 Comment

Just because… someday he’ll go off to college and the army guys will be in a box in the crawl space.

And, then who will guard my window?

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Where Love Intersects with "No"

February 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment

What a month it had been. Our strong-willed warrior-son had been pushing at the boundaries. Trying day after day to find the edge. How far could he push us? Mrs. Y? God?

I think in some ways he was also testing his own heart. Did he even want to obey? What kind of character did he really want to pursue? What does it mean (really) to be under another’s authority?

It was an exhausting time for all us. Then came the final most difficult hurdle of all (for that season, anyway).

“If you get another warning at school this week, you won’t be allowed to go to Dalton’s sleepover.” Solemn words from father to son. Caleb knew he was serious.

Two days creeped by and there were no warnings from Mrs. Y. We rejoiced with him, relieved to have a break from the struggle.

“One more day, Buddy.” High fives on a Friday morning. Words of strength and honor uttered between them as Dad sent him off to tackle his day and his choices.

Then came 3:15 p.m. My hopeful expectation turned to sorrow as I watched him round the corner in a cloud. There would be no high fives this time. Only defeat. Eyes downcast. Shoulders slumped. “Mom, I got a warning today. Could you talk to Dad? Please don’t take away the sleepover…”

The walk home was an agonizing one. My heart teetered back and forth. Were we too harsh to tie it to the sleepover? His four best buddies would be there. They were to sleep in the backyard. It was to be his first non-family sleepover. Ahhh, but no. I knew that we had to follow-thru. He needed to feel the weight of his own choices. It was truly better for him this way.

By the time we arrived home, I knew what would have to be done. But, oh, how I wanted to give in and just let him go. Had it been up to me alone, I probably would have gone against my better judgment and given in.

Mostly out of ease. I knew it was going to be a long, hard night. The weight of it hadn’t hit him yet because he was still hoping we would reconsider. But, when the final word came down, I knew he would be distraught. The pit in my stomach revealed my angst. I really just wanted to avoid the whole, big ordeal.

But, thankfully, it wasn’t up to me alone. Rick and I were in it together. He would lead our family well, with vision for the bigger picture. And, I would be his helper, coming alongside to encourage.

Later that evening, when I came to sit with my sobbing son (it had been hours of all this emotion), I looked at him and said simply “Son, we’re following through on this because we love you. I just want you to remember that.” He looked up, unconvinced. In his mind, the most loving thing would have been to sweep it under the rug and let him go to Dalton’s. He had no idea how hard it was for us to love him beyond that to the deeper places of his developing character.  

Every mother wants her children to be happy. A lot of times the best stuff does bring them happiness. But, sometimes the best stuff is the hard stuff. It’s making them drink milk when they’d rather have soda. It’s encouraging them to read when they’d like to watch TV. It’s following through in discipline when they’d rather receive leniency. It’s looking down the road into their future when they’d rather be gratified today.

Jesus’ love is like that sometimes. Sometimes we ask for things that aren’t really best for us. Sometimes He says “no” when we’re pleading for Him to say “yes.” He reminds us that He loves us and that His way is for our best. We look up, often unconvinced.

Of course, loving like Jesus means that the truth is always coupled with grace. Sweet, unmerited favor. Even in the saddest, most disappointing of places, there is grace.

Eventually our Caleb was able receive that grace. Later that night we laughed together some and had a family night. He was still sad whenever he thought about his friends all there together and him here at home. But, he wrestled through it in the context of our love and grace (albeit imperfect love).

And, would you believe, the discipline began to bear fruit. Something was born in his growing character that weekend. Oh, he still gets warnings from time to time. But, they are fewer are farther in between now.

That exhausting season had finally come to a close.

I know this won’t be the last bout with a rebellious attitude. But, I pray that this mother’s heart will keep learning to love like Jesus: full of grace and truth. Even when the answer has to be “no.”

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Reflecting on loving like Jesus with other bloggers in Ann’s quiet corner of the internet…

holy experience

Filed Under: Children, Faith, Family, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Madison and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

February 9, 2010 By Leave a Comment

“It was a hard day, Momma. I just missed you all day. I kept thinking about you and missing you.”

And then, as if to clarify the depth of it… “I even cried.”

It had been one of those days…

Turns out she missed one on her spelling test. “It was a word I knew. I don’t even know how I missed it.” Oh, sweet Madison. Sometimes we do that. We miss one even though we know better.

And, she only made it to the letter C in her jumproping. Other kids have made it all the way to Z. “I’ve been working and working on it. I even practice during recess. But I only made it to C, Mom.” Yes, darling, I know. Only to C. Sometimes the other kids pass us up and it can be so frustrating to bump into our limitations.

And, Ms. M was a little firmer today. “I was just talking. I shouldn’t have been *big sigh* but why’d she have to say it mean?” Oh dear one, it’s hard to get in trouble sometimes. It always feels mean just then, I think.

She was having one of those days when nothing seems to go right… right down to having a Clementine in her lunch AGAIN. (For the umpteenth day in a row. “Could I just have something else tomorrow? Please Mom?”)

It was the kind of day that even makes you, well, cry.

In those moments we just want to feel safe. When you’re 8-years-old, that’s what Momma does. So we had hot cocoa, snuggled on the couch in silence for a long while and then talked to our Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord who heals. The One who mends the broken heart and salvages the sad day. He who already knew and cared about this little girl with her pile of disappointments. He who has the power to infuse joy into the hopeless places.

It only took half-an-hour. But it changed the rest of her day. Me and my Madison in the quiet of mid-day.

Snowy winds blew outside but she was safe now. And it made all the difference.

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