Sleepy girl, padding up the hallway with a smile already playing on her lips. “Happy Birthday, to me,” she sings with a grin. Bold at first and then a little embarrassed. Pausing to see if we’ll all join in and rejoice with her.
I watch her and ponder. On the one hand she’s altogether confident and free. Enjoying the safety of being known and loved. Secure in our relationships. And, then, in the same instant, a nagging wonder passes over her face. She’s asking: “Am I truly safe? Is it OK for me to be excited that it’s my birthday? Are YOU excited that it’s my birthday? Do you like me?”
Later, I watch her do it again. We’re at school delivering birthday treats to classmates and favorite teachers. So excited and confident, she makes a mental list. Principal, a few special teachers. She scoots right up to them with delight. Then the nagging fear again: “Do you care that it’s my birthday? That I love M&M cookies and brought one homemade just for you? Maybe I should retreat a bit afterall.” Timid Maddie peeks out to see if it’s safe.
Of course, you and I both know that she’s not the only one asking those questions.
It’s a funny thing we do, isn’t it? Longing to be known and yet a little fearful that being known will mean being rejected. In time, most people learn to hide from those nagging questions. To pretend they’re not there or to overcompensate so that they’re not so loud in our hearts. We push them aside but we all know that they’re still there. Whether we’re 8 or 88, we’re still wondering: “Am I loved? Can I do something that would make you stop loving me? Is it OK for me to be silly or to let you see my true heart?”
As I celebrate her birthday today, I pray that my Maddie would settle the nagging questions. I know that Rick and I play a role in that settling process. As do friends and family. We can help her feel comfortable in her own skin.
But, in truth, what she really needs to know is that the One who made her adores her. The One who knit her together those nine months in my womb, He loves her. He knows her – every nook and cranny of Madison McKee is intimately known and loved by the Maker of heaven and earth. He paid the ultimate sacrifice so that all the junk could be removed and she could stand before Him whole. Unfettered relationship. Knowing and being known. He’s not some far away, cosmic force. He’s her God. He’s here, bending over her as she sings. Giving her gifts far better than any we could afford: peace, joy, purpose, rest. Abundance. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. He will answer the nagging questions. He’s truly the only One who can.
a lovely tribute to a darling girl. xox