I’m not sure when it began, really. I’ve been a people-pleaser for as long as I can remember. Gauging my own worth based on how others respond to me. Seeking significance in achievement and good behavior. I suppose you could chalk it up to being the first-born. But, really, it probably has more to do with my sin-stained heart than my birth order.
Somewhere along the way God began to uproot my people-pleasing orientation. First, as a young girl when I realized that you could be pretty stellar in front of adults but pretty brutal to your younger sisters when left alone. At some level at that tender age of 9, I understood that my heart was the issue. That my actions were just an overflow of my heart and that doing the right stuff to please others wouldn’t fix my heart. The heart is too complicated for that. I knew I’d need help to tame it. Jesus, would You come help me, please?
Then there was the time in college. Young freshman woman on her first Fall Retreat with Campus Crusade. I still remember the phrase Jim Sylvester used that day as he taught us through the Paul’s letter to the Romans. “You take His breath away,” he said. Me? How could I take God’s breath away? I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea that God actually delighted in me. That because of what Jesus had been doing in my heart, I actually took His breath away. Like a Groom glimpsing His Bride. Me who knew all the ways I was falling short. Me who wondered if people really liked me. Me who hid behind accolade. Me who wondered if I could ever measure up to the expectations I put on myself. All that junk and I could take His breath away? Could I take my eyes off of me and put them on Him? On His beautiful work in my heart? I sure wanted to try. Jesus, would you help me believe it, please?
That weekend set me on a path that would characterize the next four years (and beyond, really). College was a defining time for me as God continued to unearth my people-pleasing tendencies. Sorority sisters, professors, classmates, Bible study leaders, friends, family – at some level I was trying to impress them all. I began to realize that most times I was confusing outward “duty” with real heart change. Jesus, would You drive it deeper, please?
And, so it is today. Jesus, would You drive it deeper, please?
The questions that plague my heart are different as my life roles have changed. I’m no longer a college freshman. Instead, I’m a wife (a pastor’s wife, no less) and a mom. Instead of wondering if my professor will notice the typo on my paper, I’m wondering if my husband will notice the tasks yet undone around our home. I see my shortcomings and my failures. I know he sees them too. My first instinct is to hide.
And what about the kids? What do they think of their mother when I get all stressed and start yelling because we’re running late…again? What do they think when there’s no milk for cereal because I forgot my list when I left for errands…again? Can they sense my indecisiveness at times or my exasperation at others?
Of course, I have other roles, relationships, and responsibilities in life. Each with their own questions that rattle around my heart.
And, so the struggle that began 21 years ago on that college weekend continues today. Will I believe that it’s really about grace – God’s unmerited favor poured out on me because of Jesus? That Jesus is more concerned about my heart than my to-do list accomplishments? That His mercies are enough for today? That He is doing something beautiful with my heart even when my days are a mess? Will I let Him drive it deeper so that I find myself totally satisfied in Him?
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I usually start my week with a pause to list the things for which I am most thankful. Today, my list starts and ends with grace. I’m so thankful that Jesus comes full of grace and truth. Not sweeping the truth under the rug, mind you. But washing it with grace. The Gospel really is good news! It’s not about outward duty but His commitment to patiently and gently transform my heart.
Grace, grace…I’m so grateful that He does help me believe it. And that He keeps driving it deeper.
The gratitude list continues: #31 GRACE. Again and again and again…
Stopping in from Holy Experience’s blog … thank you so much for this post! Grace is an awesome concept, and one that is so beautiful it makes one weep. I need to be reminded to steep myself in it more often than I do.
Everything you posted rings so true with me…Thanks for your heartfelt post. And thank God for his amazing, amazing grace.
oh, the people pleasing trap. I felt all these words… I wonder still… and if not for grace.. I cannot imagine.
Beautiful.
And blessings to you as your heart does seem true.