“Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, for the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.”

This prayer by A.W. Tozer (in his book the Pursuit of God) captures well what my heart has been sensing of late. I want to find true joy and pleasure in knowing God. In being His. Not in what I accomplish or how good I can try to be. But in Him. In being loved by Him and in loving Him back.

The longing is there; but oh how I do need His grace to follow through on that longing. Somehow it’s just so easy to slip into a mindset of checking off the “God box” on my list of to-dos and not of being in a life-consuming love relationship with the Lover of my soul. But, I don’t need a to-do list; I need to love and be loved.

Oh for the grace to rise and follow Him up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

Observations from a mom:

Caleb and Madison both have friends over this afternoon. As I drove all four kids home, all were animated and excited. All four are quite excited about the M&M cookies I have in the oven right now. All four are great kiddos. But,  that’s where the similarities end.

As I type, the girls are in the family room pretending to have a talent show with their singing puppies and ponies. Did I mention that they are cute, little Pony-in-My-Pocket-type animals that came in a little teapot-shaped purse?

The boys are in the basement rec room playing Medal of Honor on the PS2. They would be there all afternoon if I let them. Every once in a while Caleb runs through the house to his closet (which we have nicknamed The Armory) to get a weapon in case he and his buddy decide to “play army” after they’re finished on the PS2.

Nature or nurture or whatever you want to call it, these are my observations as I sit at the breakfast bar and watch their play unfold . . .

It started with some quiet pondering – I had been wondering what she was thinking. Next thing I knew, she was crying. My tender-hearted Madison was stumbling through the emotions of one of the most painful realities on this earth: people come and go. “But I need Mrs. G,” she wimpered. And, my heart broke for her.

You see, we’re in the midst of starting a new campus for our church. For the most part, the whole family is excited about it. While we love our big church, it’s a bit of a drive. The new location will be closer to our home and more reflective of our own community. My husband will be the campus pastor and it is a great fit for his giftings, talents, and passions. There’s just one hitch: some of the people that we have come to love will be staying at the big church and the reality is that we just won’t see them as much.

One of those people is Madison’s beloved Mrs. G. Mrs. G is Maddie’s small-group leader on Sunday mornings. Maddie will need to say goodbye, not only to Mrs. G but to Sheridan and Sydney and Megan and some of her other little buddies from that group. And, while I can shepherd her little heart and try to make the goodbye as smooth as possible, the reality is that it IS a goodbye. Maddie is about to be initiated into a lifetime of them.

I can attest to that. One of my most precious friends now lives in Nebraska. Another one lives in Colorado. Another in Chicago. On and on it goes. Especially after 15 years of ministry on college campuses – there are people I love all over the country (and world). Even my parents are now 12 hours away. Truth be told, even those old friends who live within the state are too far to maintain really deep ties. Don’t get me wrong, they are absolutely precious to me. Each one of them. Facebook and e-mail help ease the pain some, but it’s not the same as living down the street and sharing life together. The sorrow of goodbye lingers even when I do visit; for I know it is just a visit.

I was just at a going-away party for a dear couple in our church. Because I was only just getting to know them, it wasn’t as difficult for me as it was for some of the others. But, I still found myself crying with them. I was moved by the the sincerity of their love and the close of this chapter in their friendship. The friendship will continue but no matter how they try, it WILL be a different chapter. And, that is hard. There’s no way around it. To say otherwise would be to live in a fantasy world.

Madison was experiencing that same reality.

And, so, I sat on the couch with my daughter. I let her pour out her tears in the safety of my arms. I grieved with her and did my best to really hear her heart.

Praise God that He created us for relationship and that makes it hard to say goodbye. Praise God that our hope is in Him and that frees us to keep making new friends at the risk of more goodbyes. Praise God that we can hope for heaven where God will wipe away our tears and that allows us to live with expectation.

I found this little guy on the floor of my bathroom this morning. Maddie must have left him there on her way to brush her teeth this morning. At first, I bent down to pick him up along with a collection of other things I had in my hands. You know, part of the mom’s morning walk thru.

But then I paused. How many more years will there be of stray teddy bears on the bathroom floor? I thought about my groggy, little Maddie rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. I envisioned her: still in her pjs with her long, blonde hair going this way and that, dragging her teddy with her to the bathroom. My sweet, precious Madison.

So, I’m posting the photo here as a reminder. A reminder not to wish these years away. A reminder not to rush through our snuggles or to be too busy for her soft voice. There are truly lots of important thing that need done in my day. I need to tend to those and be faithful. But, I also want to recognize these teddy bear moments and savor them.

By the way, I ended up leaving the bear there on the floor all day. It went against my tidy tendencies. But, every time I passed him, I smiled and thanked God for my kiddos.